Branch Rickey Visits Helen Thomas

BR: Wake up! Come on, wake up!

HT: What’s going on? Who are you?

BR: Branch Rickey! General Manager, Brooklyn Dodgers, how are you?

HT: Why are you in my dream? I don’t know you.

BR: I’m dead. I can get into any dreams I want. I was reading the Post the other day and I saw you crossed off an item from your bucket list… something about being grateful for having a black president.

HT: Yes, in 2008 we elected Barack Obama to be the first black President of the United States. What’s that smell?? Are you smoking????

BR: Hell yes. I’, smoking! It’s Cuban. We can get them direct!

HT: I believe smoking can kill you!

BR: I’m DEAD!!!!!!! Now, what about this Obama kid?  He’s black??? I thought he was Irish with the “O” thing. I mostly stick to the sports pages. I read your comment while I was looking for any winter trades and what was going on in the Venezuelan League. Since that Chavez guy took over the game’s been a mess there. They can’t play night games because the twerp won’t turn on the electricity! I know he’s no ball player. Geez, with legs that short he couldn’t outrun a Molina brother to first! Why doesn’t the US just cancel his ticket?

HT: Why are you in my dream? I do not read the sports page!

BR: Did you ever hear of Jackie Robinson? He was the first Negro, but OK, I’ll say “black” kid to play in the majors.

HT: Well, for your information, President Obama believes we can use soft power to reassure President Chavez that we are no threat to him.

BR: Soft power sounds like what we call warning track power. It gets people standing up and excited, then the outfielder catches the ball on the warning track. Man, nothing’s sadder than warning track power.

 HT: The president has a gift!  He can persuade people to accept his point of view. The two men are quite close.  So, why are you here and why are you telling me about Jackie what’s his name?

BR: Robinson. He was the best natural infielder I ever saw, and I saw a lot. The kid had major league written all over him and from what I saw him do he deserved the chance. But first I had to make sure he was the real deal, so I worked his butt off in the minor leagues. If he made it, the whole game would change but if he flopped, well, who knows how long before there would be another negro, sorry, black kid in the majors.

HT: Well. I am, delighted to meet a fellow supporter of civil rights and equality. Many of my generation are thrilled to say we walked with Dr. King.

BR: Who is Dr. King? Lady, I am talking about 1947! Truman hadn’t integrated the army yet! What the #$%^ are you talking about? Look, our entire organization in Brooklyn wanted to field the best team we could! They could have been green with four ears, but if they won, nobody would care! Civil rights????  If Jackie had hit .150 and had made fifty errors it may have been decades before there were black(!) players in the major leagues! So, what about this Obama guy? What’s his first season been like?

HT: He has done wonderfully!!! Just last week he bowed to the Emperor of Japan to show that America is just another nation among equals. He has spent three months deciding whether or not to accede to a general’s request that we sent more troops to Afghanistan and he has bailed out General Motors!

BR: He bowed to the %$#@% emperor of ^&%$*($# Japan???? Does he have any $#@^! idea how many good guys like Ted Williams , Nellie Fox and Warren Spahn gave up the primes of their careers  because the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor!!!!??? Is this Obama guy a #@%^& idiot? A general needs troops and Obama won’t send them? He’s in trouble!

HT: You think like all other white people. Just let a black man make a mistake and you’ll never forgive him!!!! You, sir, are a racist!!!!!

BR: I’m DEAD!!! I repeat! I’m DEAD!!!!  What’s a racist? Look, in my day people had prejudices but my bet was that once people were judged by what they could do instead of by what color they were, things would work out. Look, there’s no accounting for idiots because they’ll always be around. I knew that if Jackie was successful people would forget what color his skin was! Do you know anything about baseball?

HT: I have been to some games!

BR: Jackie Robinson was a complete package. He could hit for average and with power. He ate up grounders like an Electrolux. He had speed – first to third on a single to center speed – and he could turn a double play with his eyes closed. But he made some errors. Everybody makes errors. Jackie made one his first game!

HT: And I’m sure the people jeered and booed and laughed at him. All whites were racists back then!

BR: Lady, the Ebbets Field crowd booed every error! Hell, they called us the bums! Sure there were fans who booed louder because he was a ne..er, a black kid. Even some ball players rooted against him. But people are decent at heart. Our team captain – Pee Wee Reese – played shortstop and after the error he walked over to Jackie, put his arm around Jackie’s shoulder. Pee Wee was from Kentucky, so he was a white guy from the south. Reese knew how good Jackie was. Pee Wee was no slouch himself and he’s in the Hall of Fame just like Jackie. Lady, when Reese did that the booing stopped! In a few years we had black players all over the field – Jackie, Roy Campanella, Don Newcombe and other guys. The folks in the stands loved ‘em!

So, the Obama kid, what did his minor league numbers look like?

HT: He served some time in the Illinois state senate and one term in the United States Senate. Then he was elected President.

BR: Lady, that’s like going from rookie league to World Series starter in one season. He must have some great stuff! What did his numbers look like? What are his policies?

Does he carry a Big Stick? Do the people like him??? Does he do a hell of a job every day like Jackie did?

HT: He is very inspiring! He speaks beautifully! In all one hundred seventy eight days he was a US senator he voted “present” almost every day! As president he has rebuked Great Britain for its role in the slave trade; nationalized General Motors and Chrysler; apologized for the manifold wrongs America has committed; increased the national deficit fourfold; insulted our allies in Eastern Europe; bullied Israel; cut the defense budget; and he has employed former communists and current tax cheats! You already know how he showed humility before Japan’s Emperor. I am so thankful that he is President – our first black president! I never thought I would see the day!

BR: Helen, may I call you Helen? Helen, politics must be a whole lot different from baseball! Wow! Look, Jackie Robinson made one error in his first game. He didn’t stand backwards in the batter’s box, clobber the catcher in the head and run the bases from third to first! I knew what he could do before I sent him to second base at Ebbets Field. He knew – I made sure he knew – he would be insulted, booed, spiked and beaned. He knew all he had to do was do the right thing and play his heart out and it would all work out. But he knew what he was doing!

I’m glad you lived to see a black president. I was happy the Dodgers opened baseball to black players, but the first one had to be a rip-roaring success or the whole idea was in trouble. Helen, you got the first black president, but unless he gets his game going you won’t see the second one for a long time. I hope it works out but, remember, the folks in the stands have just so much patience!

Well, I gotta go!  In this eternity thing I can see any games I want and the Washington Senators may sweep a double header. Now, that’s a miracle