Thanksgiving is coming! For most people, despite what the media try to tell us, the day is just that – a day to give thanks to God for all of the blessings we have enjoyed over the past year. Every year Thanksgiving is tough on some people who are facing tough times and this year that may be especially true with many Americans separated by war, some who grieve for the loss of loved ones because of that war, others without jobs and always for those who are alone. Most of us will at least offer a prayer for our national brothers and sisters while others will do many things far more immediate and concrete. May God bless them especially for what they do.
For the Atheists among us, though, Thanksgiving presents a real challenge because if you don’t believe in any Diety, how do you celebrate Thanksgiving?
It is flat out impossible for atheists to have fun on Turkey Day. There is no way around it.
Halloween is easy for an atheist. It’s all about candy, goblins and kids playing Trick or Treat. Christmas is even easier for atheists because they have the drill down. They spend the entire Advent season sneering and reading the gospel according to Dawkins or snootily announcing that “it’s just another day at the office to me”. Have you ever called one at work on Christmas Day? Don’t try because you’ll get voicemail.
Some may say that Thanksgiving isn’t a religious holiday but they have to deny the roots of Thanksgiving as well as proclamations by George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt, all three having composed prayers as the central theme of the day. So, what’s an atheist to do? In a spirit of charity, inclusion and diversity let us offer our non-believing, “bright”, friends their official alternative to Thanksgiving. Here it is!
ATHEIST’S GUIDE TO A HAPPY PLUMB DUMB LUCKY DAY!!!!!
When you wake up on PDLD be sure to say: “Wow, I didn’t die last night. What good luck!” as an alternative to the nauseating “Happy Thanksgiving” greeting. Next as a practicing atheist, despite facing the contradiction that practicing a negative is a difficult proposition, throw open the front door and leave it open. Maybe a kindred atheist will walk in for company. If so, how lucky! There is someone with whom to recount all of the randomly lucky events from the entire year. Remember to be a good listener! If no one walks through the door well, no one wins every time they play. It just wasn’t your lucky day. You could call a fellow denier, but that would be heresy for someone like yourself facing the Brave New World of meaningless and random existence.
Fill the time by looking back on the year. Take your Twelve Beautiful Brights calendar and add up the days marked “L” and those marked “U”. The total will give you the odds for the next twelve months.
About 10:00 AM, move close to the phone because the “dull” family may call with an invitation to their idiotic, childish, superstition-based, traditional and predictable open bar, six course, delectable, home cooked meal with all the dishes you loved as a child. Since they called by chance, your beliefs demand you run with it.
There will be disgustingly joyful hugs and kisses and the utter humiliation of the Grace before the meal but even that prayer ritual will provide an opportunity to sit with head unbowed and with a knowing sneer fixed firmly on your face as you witness the base ignorance of these happy people who are, as you learned during your years at graduate school, nothing more than the product of random evolution of cells transported upon the backs of crystals Stand fast, at least until grandma looks you in the eye and says” What’s wrong with you”? Don’t flinch, even when dad turns to you first and asks “Do you want dark meat or white?” This is not love, just genetically pre-determined gesture toward offspring.
If your luck allows you may have the opportunity to spend the rest of the day eating the mom’s pies and watching football while you drink dad’s Jack Daniels. Take the opportunity to mention Dawkins and be prepared for grandpa to remark “He played for Army. He should have run for President”.
As you attempt to explain
After you return home, be sure to cleanse yourself by sitting in the dark and repeating at least one hundred times: “I have no intrinsic value and my life has no intrinsic meaning!”
If, by chance, the family does not call just go to the nearest church. You will eat for free since you and your co-non-believers have been unable to figure out a dogmatically pure way to express thanks for anything. Don’t worry because Christmas is coming.
Atheists have a great time at Thanksgiving. They let their family and friends know that they are thankful to have them in their lives. They hold hands around the Thanksgiving dinner table and talk about how thankful they are that there is plenty to eat because of the hard work of all the farmers, truck drivers, etc. that brought the food to the local market. They thank the cook, and ask that everyone remember that in many parts of the world, people go hungry. They remember that were it not for the generosity of the native Americans, the settlers would have starved and this country might not be what it is today.
They do scratch their heads a bit at why those settlers thanked God for the food that saw them through the winter and not the native Americans. Maybe it's because contact with European settlers was a death sentence for native Americans, who did not have immunity to European diseases.
Posted by: Dorene Braun | 11/23/2009 at 11:43 AM
Well if ever I had any doubts that believers in god are a nasty lot then this confirms it. You guys really really don't want us to have a good time, any time, do you? This piece is filled with mean-spirited, petty spitefulness. Just what I am beginning to expect from christians these days. It seems to stick in your craw that atheists are perfectly capable of living good, happy, fulfilled lives without the necessity of a belief in a deity. At least I will always be able to change my point of view if I'm proved wrong - you will always be stuck in your 'belief', no matter what the evidence of the outside world tells you. And that's just a fact - no belief necessary.
What a shame that you are unable to live up to your god's hopes for you.
Posted by: SongBird | 01/12/2010 at 08:42 AM