Tractorthoughts

Branch Rickey Visits Helen Thomas

BR: Wake up! Come on, wake up!

HT: What’s going on? Who are you?

BR: Branch Rickey! General Manager, Brooklyn Dodgers, how are you?

HT: Why are you in my dream? I don’t know you.

BR: I’m dead. I can get into any dreams I want. I was reading the Post the other day and I saw you crossed off an item from your bucket list… something about being grateful for having a black president.

HT: Yes, in 2008 we elected Barack Obama to be the first black President of the United States. What’s that smell?? Are you smoking????

BR: Hell yes. I’, smoking! It’s Cuban. We can get them direct!

HT: I believe smoking can kill you!

BR: I’m DEAD!!!!!!! Now, what about this Obama kid?  He’s black??? I thought he was Irish with the “O” thing. I mostly stick to the sports pages. I read your comment while I was looking for any winter trades and what was going on in the Venezuelan League. Since that Chavez guy took over the game’s been a mess there. They can’t play night games because the twerp won’t turn on the electricity! I know he’s no ball player. Geez, with legs that short he couldn’t outrun a Molina brother to first! Why doesn’t the US just cancel his ticket?

HT: Why are you in my dream? I do not read the sports page!

BR: Did you ever hear of Jackie Robinson? He was the first Negro, but OK, I’ll say “black” kid to play in the majors.

HT: Well, for your information, President Obama believes we can use soft power to reassure President Chavez that we are no threat to him.

BR: Soft power sounds like what we call warning track power. It gets people standing up and excited, then the outfielder catches the ball on the warning track. Man, nothing’s sadder than warning track power.

 HT: The president has a gift!  He can persuade people to accept his point of view. The two men are quite close.  So, why are you here and why are you telling me about Jackie what’s his name?

BR: Robinson. He was the best natural infielder I ever saw, and I saw a lot. The kid had major league written all over him and from what I saw him do he deserved the chance. But first I had to make sure he was the real deal, so I worked his butt off in the minor leagues. If he made it, the whole game would change but if he flopped, well, who knows how long before there would be another negro, sorry, black kid in the majors.

HT: Well. I am, delighted to meet a fellow supporter of civil rights and equality. Many of my generation are thrilled to say we walked with Dr. King.

BR: Who is Dr. King? Lady, I am talking about 1947! Truman hadn’t integrated the army yet! What the #$%^ are you talking about? Look, our entire organization in Brooklyn wanted to field the best team we could! They could have been green with four ears, but if they won, nobody would care! Civil rights????  If Jackie had hit .150 and had made fifty errors it may have been decades before there were black(!) players in the major leagues! So, what about this Obama guy? What’s his first season been like?

HT: He has done wonderfully!!! Just last week he bowed to the Emperor of Japan to show that America is just another nation among equals. He has spent three months deciding whether or not to accede to a general’s request that we sent more troops to Afghanistan and he has bailed out General Motors!

BR: He bowed to the %$#@% emperor of ^&%$*($# Japan???? Does he have any $#@^! idea how many good guys like Ted Williams , Nellie Fox and Warren Spahn gave up the primes of their careers  because the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor!!!!??? Is this Obama guy a #@%^& idiot? A general needs troops and Obama won’t send them? He’s in trouble!

HT: You think like all other white people. Just let a black man make a mistake and you’ll never forgive him!!!! You, sir, are a racist!!!!!

BR: I’m DEAD!!! I repeat! I’m DEAD!!!!  What’s a racist? Look, in my day people had prejudices but my bet was that once people were judged by what they could do instead of by what color they were, things would work out. Look, there’s no accounting for idiots because they’ll always be around. I knew that if Jackie was successful people would forget what color his skin was! Do you know anything about baseball?

HT: I have been to some games!

BR: Jackie Robinson was a complete package. He could hit for average and with power. He ate up grounders like an Electrolux. He had speed – first to third on a single to center speed – and he could turn a double play with his eyes closed. But he made some errors. Everybody makes errors. Jackie made one his first game!

HT: And I’m sure the people jeered and booed and laughed at him. All whites were racists back then!

BR: Lady, the Ebbets Field crowd booed every error! Hell, they called us the bums! Sure there were fans who booed louder because he was a ne..er, a black kid. Even some ball players rooted against him. But people are decent at heart. Our team captain – Pee Wee Reese – played shortstop and after the error he walked over to Jackie, put his arm around Jackie’s shoulder. Pee Wee was from Kentucky, so he was a white guy from the south. Reese knew how good Jackie was. Pee Wee was no slouch himself and he’s in the Hall of Fame just like Jackie. Lady, when Reese did that the booing stopped! In a few years we had black players all over the field – Jackie, Roy Campanella, Don Newcombe and other guys. The folks in the stands loved ‘em!

So, the Obama kid, what did his minor league numbers look like?

HT: He served some time in the Illinois state senate and one term in the United States Senate. Then he was elected President.

BR: Lady, that’s like going from rookie league to World Series starter in one season. He must have some great stuff! What did his numbers look like? What are his policies?

Does he carry a Big Stick? Do the people like him??? Does he do a hell of a job every day like Jackie did?

HT: He is very inspiring! He speaks beautifully! In all one hundred seventy eight days he was a US senator he voted “present” almost every day! As president he has rebuked Great Britain for its role in the slave trade; nationalized General Motors and Chrysler; apologized for the manifold wrongs America has committed; increased the national deficit fourfold; insulted our allies in Eastern Europe; bullied Israel; cut the defense budget; and he has employed former communists and current tax cheats! You already know how he showed humility before Japan’s Emperor. I am so thankful that he is President – our first black president! I never thought I would see the day!

BR: Helen, may I call you Helen? Helen, politics must be a whole lot different from baseball! Wow! Look, Jackie Robinson made one error in his first game. He didn’t stand backwards in the batter’s box, clobber the catcher in the head and run the bases from third to first! I knew what he could do before I sent him to second base at Ebbets Field. He knew – I made sure he knew – he would be insulted, booed, spiked and beaned. He knew all he had to do was do the right thing and play his heart out and it would all work out. But he knew what he was doing!

I’m glad you lived to see a black president. I was happy the Dodgers opened baseball to black players, but the first one had to be a rip-roaring success or the whole idea was in trouble. Helen, you got the first black president, but unless he gets his game going you won’t see the second one for a long time. I hope it works out but, remember, the folks in the stands have just so much patience!

Well, I gotta go!  In this eternity thing I can see any games I want and the Washington Senators may sweep a double header. Now, that’s a miracle

Atheists Celebrate Plumb Dumb Luck Day

Thanksgiving is coming! For most people, despite what the media try to tell us, the day is just that – a day to give thanks to God for all of the blessings we have enjoyed over the past year. Every year Thanksgiving is tough on some people who are facing tough times and this year that may be especially true with many Americans separated by war, some who grieve for the loss of loved ones because of that war, others without jobs and always for those who are alone. Most of us will at least offer a prayer for our national brothers and sisters while others will do many things far more immediate and concrete. May God bless them especially for what they do.

 

For the Atheists among us, though, Thanksgiving presents a real challenge because if you don’t believe in any Diety, how do you celebrate Thanksgiving?

It is flat out impossible for atheists to have fun on Turkey Day. There is no way around it.

 

Halloween is easy for an atheist. It’s all about candy, goblins and kids playing Trick or Treat. Christmas is even easier for atheists because they have the drill down. They spend the entire Advent season sneering and reading the gospel according to Dawkins or snootily announcing that “it’s just another day at the office to me”. Have you ever called one at work on Christmas Day? Don’t try because you’ll get voicemail.

 

Some may say that Thanksgiving isn’t a religious holiday but they have to deny the roots of Thanksgiving as well as proclamations by George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt, all three having composed prayers as the central theme of the day. So, what’s an atheist to do? In a spirit of charity, inclusion and diversity let us offer our non-believing, “bright”, friends their official alternative to Thanksgiving. Here it is!

 

ATHEIST’S GUIDE TO A HAPPY PLUMB DUMB LUCKY DAY!!!!!

 

When you wake up on PDLD be sure to say: “Wow, I didn’t die last night. What good luck!” as an alternative to the nauseating “Happy Thanksgiving” greeting. Next as a  practicing atheist, despite facing the contradiction that practicing a negative is a difficult proposition, throw open the front door and leave it open. Maybe a kindred atheist will walk in for company. If so, how lucky! There is someone with whom to recount all of the randomly lucky events from the entire year. Remember to be a good listener! If no one walks through the door well, no one wins every time they play. It just wasn’t your lucky day. You could call a fellow denier, but that would be heresy for someone like yourself facing the Brave New World of meaningless and random existence.

 

Fill the time by looking back on the year. Take your Twelve Beautiful Brights calendar and add up the days marked “L” and those marked “U”. The total will give you the odds for the next twelve months.

 

About 10:00 AM, move close to the phone because the “dull” family may call with an invitation to their idiotic, childish, superstition-based, traditional and predictable open bar, six course, delectable, home cooked meal with all the dishes you loved as a child. Since they called by chance, your beliefs demand you run with it.

 

There will be disgustingly joyful hugs and kisses and the utter humiliation of the Grace before the meal but even that prayer ritual will provide an opportunity to sit with head unbowed and with a knowing sneer fixed firmly on your face as you witness the base ignorance of these happy people who are, as you learned during your years at graduate school, nothing more than the product of random evolution of cells transported upon the backs of crystals Stand fast, at least until grandma looks you in the eye and says” What’s wrong with you”?  Don’t flinch, even when dad turns to you first and asks “Do you want dark meat or white?” This is not love, just genetically pre-determined gesture toward offspring.

 

 If your luck allows you may have the opportunity to spend the rest of the day eating the mom’s pies and watching football while you drink dad’s Jack Daniels. Take the opportunity to mention Dawkins and be prepared for grandpa to remark “He played for Army. He should have run for President”.

 

As you attempt to explain Darwin to your nephew try not to be discouraged when he asks if you think the Lions will win today. He will not get any joke about rooting against the Christians. When mom asks “have you met anybody nice yet?” don’t bother telling her about your recent insight into your sexuality, she knew years ago that you were gay. Just tell her the truth.

 

After you return home, be sure to cleanse yourself by sitting in the dark and repeating at least one hundred times: “I have no intrinsic value and my life has no intrinsic meaning!”

 

If, by chance, the family does not call just go to the nearest church. You will eat for free since you and your co-non-believers have been unable to figure out a dogmatically pure way to express thanks for anything. Don’t worry because Christmas is coming.

J'ACCUSE

In the late 19^th Century the Dreyfus scandal wrenched France as that nation confronted the unspoken codes of anti-Semitism and internal military refusal to expose the extent that France’s enemies had infiltrated the nation’s security and defense institutions. Alfred Dreyfus, a Jewish officer, was the scapegoat. He spent years in the hell that was Devil’s Island. What brought France to its senses was an editorial by Emile Zola entitled J’Accuse (I Accuse) that detailed the self-serving conspiracy of insiders and the well connected to maintain their power at the expense of the nation.

Last week evidence of an equally pervasive corruption erupted on our television screens as we watched in horror the accounts of a murderous rampage of a Muslim fanatic who gunned down selfless, decent Americans serving us, you and me, with the most precious commodity of all – time out of their lives - to protect and defend us. These people, some barely out of high school and others farther along in life, deserved to feel secure and safe at their home base at Fort Hood.

Like the Dreyfus scandal, our scandal did not start last week or last year. It has grown insidiously and silently for decades and it is intertwined with policies and interest groups and judicial decisions and it threatens our national existence just as surely as any enemy we have faced in our history. The author does not pretend to be Emile Zola. That would be hubris. But, with deference to and with respect for Zola, let us continue.

I accuse the Carter administration and both Houses of Congress of equivocating the state of Israel with Yassir Arafat thereby bestowing respectability on a murderer and terrorist. I accuse the same administration of unleashing Islamic fundamentalism on the world by undermining and deserting the Shah of Iran. I accuse the Carter Administration and both Houses of Congress of negligence and incompetence for gutting our military so much we had to endure the humiliations of Americans held hostage and the pain of a rescue mission scuttled by unreliable equipment. Carter's negligence gave a foothold to the maniacs who would fund Hamas. And I accuse the Carter administration of starting the charade of a road map to peace in the Middle East. Finally, I accuse the Carter administration and both Houses of Congress of caving to environmental extremists, thus cementing our national dependence on Islamic oil.

I accuse the Reagan administration and both Houses of Congress during the Reagan administration of showing weakness and cowardice by retreating after almost three hundred Marines died in their barracks at the hands of the murderers and terrorists craving the same influence and status as Arafat. I accuse the Reagan administration and both Houses of Congress of unleashing hell upon Lebanon through their cowardice thereby securing a power base for Hezbollah and its Syrian patrons.

I accuse the George H W Bush administration and both Houses of Congress of refusing to finish Saddam Hussein when they had the chance, but listened to the discredited and self-serving advice of Colin Powell who worried that murderers might think of the United States as a bully if we destroyed Saddam.

I accuse the Clinton administration and both Houses of Congress of pursuing self-interest, deviance and corruption so assiduously that we watched more Americans die at the hands of Islamic fundamentalists in the Khobar Towers bombing, the bombings of our embassies and the sinking of the USS Cole. I accuse the Clinton administration and both Houses of Congress of being so focused on maintaining their positions of power and control that they refused an opportunity to capture or kill Osama Bin Laden. I accuse the Clinton administration and both Houses of Congress of such self-absorption with sexual affairs and photo-ops that they ignored the implications of the first attempt to destroy the World Trade Center and set the stage for the murders of thousands of innocent Americans on September 11^th , 2001.

I accuse the George W Bush administration and both Houses of Congress of incompetence by refusing to identify our enemy by name – Islamic fundamentalism – and engaging in the self delusion that Islam is a religion of peace when it is not. I especially accuse the mediocrities in both Houses of Congress of becoming so wrapped up in the 2000 election that they refused to fight our real enemy but, instead, fought each other and the interests of the American people.

I accuse the Obama administration and both Houses of Congress of serial psychological denial that we are under attack by a crazed and committed enemy – Islamic fundamentalism – by injecting “man made disasters” into our national vocabulary with a straight face. I accuse the Obama administration and both Houses of Congress for refusing to recognize evil as evil because doing so is inconvenient for a self-proclaimed "citizen of the world".

Finally, I accuse us, you and me, of being asleep at the switch. We have allowed the notions of political correctness permeate our national psyche so much that we can hear the details of the Fort Hood shooter, his history and his pre-slaughter behavior and still listen to the President say we should not “jump to conclusions” without erupting into laughter at such an intentionally misleading statement.

I accuse us, you and me, of negligence because we allow an idiot like Dr. Phil, to pontificate about post traumatic stress syndrome. We might as well listen to Big Bird with the same respect. We know what Fort Hood was. It was a well planned and deliberate attack by an Islamic fundamentalist and terrorist who should have been weeded out of the United States Army years ago for incompetence if not as a security threat.

I accuse us, you and me, of allowing that same political correctness permeate the Army. No doubt there were people in the chain of command who knew what a nut job Hasan was but who were afraid to risk the wrath of politically compromised superiors or politicians if they blew the whistle.

The Dreyfus scandal so devastated the French political and military institutions that they never recovered and experienced humiliating defeats in two wars. Will our scandal lead us to similar defeats? Yes, if you and I allow it!